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One might think that this place be entirely devoid of life, if that which thought it had not had to be partway alive.

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Gnarled, gargoyle-like trees guard the borderline between the depths of the forest and the farmlands of Hahn. The trees, once proud golden guardians of the forest, are now corrupted evil barriers. Legends of evil, stories with which to scare children- life is rejected from this place.

A woman stands, wavering, in the wake of the front line of trees.  Alone for a while, she suddenly shudders violently and falls from the pale light of the moon to the dark of unprotected night. Far away, a wolf howls its yearning.

-

Ominous evil seems to creep in from the shadows, always just out of sight. This lush grand forest has been turned from the inside out into a barren place of death. Devilish creatures flock to its outskirts, only to be overcome by the aura around the place and turned from its doors to the dark corners of nightmares and intimate fears. For the demons who might make it past the first wall, few remain long. For those guarded by light- living souls, creatures with harmony, the spirits might gather and steal their mentality, or drive them into drowning themselves. For spirits have no bodies with which to damage, but their weapons are greater than any gun and sharper then any blade.

Dried, shriveled branches snatch out at her before snapping weakly. Saplings have fallen lightly before her, and they crack easily. Crumbled leaves break from their trees with just the disturbances in the air- they are too long dead for care. The woman grasps the hilt of her sword and stills as an unearthly hissing reaches her ears. Her eyes dart about; bright spots in a land of dark.

Crawling, stumbling out of the undergrowth comes an imp. Snapping the sword from its sheath, she prepares to pull it out. The imp makes several gurgling sounds and seems to choke, its eyes rolling franticly in its head.

‘Here be eevil girl, eevil be heere. Run, girl, ruun!’
Crumpling, it begins to writhe and shake horribly upon the dry ground. As she inches around the twitching form, it grasps loosely into the air and its eyes roll back into its head. She sheaths her sword and with little hesitation walks slowly on.

-

A short while later she comes upon a clearing in the centre of the forest; the creation place of the evil.

Alone in the middle, a man stands. He stares blankly at the sky for a few moments, arms outturned as if in receiving. Obviously in a trance of sorts, he hisses a chant through his teeth and shivers ride up his spine. An aura darker than anywhere else in the woods emanates from his body, growing stronger and thicker as he continues his spell. The very air has taken on a singed smell- one of burnt wood and bones.

This is also the only place in the forest which receives moonlight. Right in the centre, the man is bathed in glowing, pale light; the blackness comes from within him as he appears angelic through the ray.

She is stunned slightly; how could this man be ever beautiful? Despite this, she dutifully walks into the middle of his tree-less lake, himself a statue at the centre.

She comes to his shrine, shrouded in light and darkness, and in cautioned awe takes his image to heart. Oblivious to her presence, he continues to shake and utter his spell.

For a brief moment they hang in suspension; neither in this world or the next but their own.

And then, she touches him on the wrist.  

Instantaneously their connection is broken and he grabs her by the arm, eyes red and glowing. Through superior instincts he immobilizes her entirely, putting pressure on her shoulder and gripping her arm tightly. He hisses into her ear. Calmly, she whispers an incantation to oppose his black magic, draining him of his new-bred darkness.

They hang once more in suspension.

As he comes to realize that this woman ruined his plans, he growls lowly and lets her go, jumping back a great distance and placing his sleeve over his nose and mouth, pulling a short sword from it.

Her eyes reflect the sharp metal but she makes no move to defend herself. Rushing into what was a won battle, he flashes before her, closer and closer, and finally, at her front. Through her belly rested her dagger. She looked at him but with the sadness of regret and falls to her knees.

Changing for a moment to what he used to be, his eyes widen as he takes a step back from his deed. Tight bonds lay shattered around the woman as shivers billow down her spine. The man fights against the spirits within him.

She lifts her eyes to his shaking ones and a small tear rolls down her pale cheek.

‘I… loved.. you.’ she whispers as her body collapses into itself and tucks away the remains of her shattered soul. The man falls to his knees next to her and freezes there, staring blankly at her still form.

He stands and returns to his mantra.
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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconemode:

Author's Comments

More stuff written for school...... I don't think I stuck to the genre well enough to get a good grade, but I like this piece nonetheless.

As always, I would really appreciate comments! They make my day, every day.

EDIT I got an A. It's to be expected that I couldn't get full marks, (Like I said, I didn't really stick to the genre) I'm satisfied, though :D

EDIT2 I would like to thank =dantesgirl for her thoughtful critique :excited: I'm putting this into your inboxes again because I think that it sounds much better now :D

Comments


love 1 1 joy 1 1 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:icondanielnrivera:
Wow, I thought it was great.

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~xX[[DannyRivera]]Xx~
:iconmyheartliesinart:
The story is good.I don't know,but it could have been even better if it was written in past tense?

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A little girl lost in a big world...
:iconemode:
It might have been, the original was written with alternating past/present (as all my first drafts are... by accident) but the editor changed it to present... I'd like to see what it's like in past, so I might change that one day.

Thank you!

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(¸.•´ (¸.••*¨Coco¯¨`*•~*´¨¯¨`*°º¤ø,¸,ø¤º
:iconemode:
I really appreciate that :)

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*´¨ )
¸.•´¸.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨ )
(¸.•´ (¸.••*¨Coco¯¨`*•~*´¨¯¨`*°º¤ø,¸,ø¤º
:iconhecate5100:
woah, nice. very, very well written. that was for school? interesting curriculum. just as well, you probably wrote it locked in a computer room snacking on shrooms anyway.

[link]

you made me think of this pic a while ago and i just ran into it. think internet safety.
:iconemode:
Actually, this will probably be the only creative writing piece we'll do all year. He just got it out of the way early. But I did have fun with it, and I left it to the last (I mean very last, writing some parts in the break before English, although most was written the night before) minute, so I did stay up late and hit the midnight creativity juices.

Woah, that is one big person. I get what you're saying there...

Thank you for the compliment! And the comment! (And the fav!)

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*´¨ )
¸.•´¸.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨ )
(¸.•´ (¸.••*¨Coco¯¨`*•~*´¨¯¨`*°º¤ø,¸,ø¤º
:iconspazzztic:
I loved it. Especially the last line, great way to end it. The way you split up the paragraphs was awesome, too. You might want to switch it to past tense, though. It would help it flow better, in my opinion.
Nice job ;3


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"I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright nooooooooow."

- Billy Connolly
:iconemode:
Why thank you!

I've had a few people tell me that it would do well in past tense. When I get some time one of these days, I'll definitely try that out :D

Your compliments made me spaz... in the middle of the airport :) This, I assume, is why they don't like young people in the lounge

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*´¨ )
¸.•´¸.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨ )
(¸.•´ (¸.••*¨Coco¯¨`*•~*´¨¯¨`*°º¤ø,¸,ø¤º
:icondantesgirl:
First of all, I'd like to say that I really like this piece. Out of all of the fics that I've critiqued so far, this one has one of the best flows I've seen. However, a critique wouldn't be a critique without my nitpicking. :giggle:

:bulletpurple: Gnarled, gargoyle like trees guard... - In your English class, were you taught about compound adjectives? I see you using them further on in the fic, but are you aware that you are actually using them? Compound adjectives are two words that are joined together with a dash to describe something; 'gargoyle like' should be 'gargoyle-like' to make it a compound adjective.
:bulletpurple: Legends of evil, stories with which to scare children. Life is rejected from this place. - While I completely understand that short sentences can be used for dramatic effect, I think a dash would be best suited between 'children' and 'life'. :)
:bulletpurple: Between 'yearning' and 'omnious', there is a dash intercepting them. Dashes on their own are usually to signify the passing of time, am I correct? However, the first paragraph after the dash shows no real signs of time passing, so I was slightly confused.
:bulletpurple: Crumbled leaves break from their trees with just the disturbances in the air; they are too long dead for care. - While the semi-colon itself is fine, it could very easily be replaced with a dash. Semi-colons are stereotypically used to bring together two sentences that could be joined with a period, so try not to use semi-colons too often when joining a short sentence to a longer one. :thumbsup:
:bulletpurple: Alone in the middle stands a man. - I think the 'stands a man' would only be fitting if the sentence were bulkier. For example: 'Alone in the middle, stands a man clipping his toenails and eating cheeseburgers'. Instead, I think the structure should be 'Alone in the middle, a man stands.'
:bulletpurple: The very air has taken on a singed smell; one of burnt wood and bones. - I don't think a semi-colon makes sense in that sentence. If you're ever in doubt about whether or not to place a semi-colon in a sentence, replace it with a period to see if the attaching sentence makes sense independently; I don't think 'one of burst wood and bones' would make a lot of sense on its own. Instead, try using a dash. :D
:bulletpurple: Right in the centre, the man is bathed in glowing pale light, and even as blackness comes from within him he appears angelic through the ray. - I think the sentence structure could be changed somewhat to make room for a very befitting semi-colon. Personally, I would re-write it to, 'Right in the centre, the man is bathed in glowing, pale light; the blackness comes from within him as he appears angelic through the ray'. How does that sound to you?
:bulletpurple: - But dutifully walks into the middle of his tree-less lake... - A dash shouldn't be used at the beginning of a sentence; as a result, it clashes with the following sentence. I suggest changing it to 'Despite this, she dutifully walks into...'.
:bulletpurple: And, calmly, she whispers an incantation to oppose his black magic - I know a lot of authors do this, but I'm really not a fan of sentences beginning with 'And'. When I was eight, I was taught not to do this, so I don't see why a forty-something author should get away with doing the same.

If this took as long as you say it took (and with circumstances presented), I think you should be very proud with this. :D

Good luck. :heart:

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Proud buddy at *TheBuddyBench.
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March 11
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